What’s so funny about this? What is it about cat pictures on the internet? Although there are an estimated 90 million cats in the United States alone, there must be at least ten times that number of photographs of them on social media. If you add a cat to just about anything you post, you’ll easily get 3-4 times as many hits and likes than if you didn’t add the cat. So here I am shamelessly doing an audioboo about a cat. You’ll notice the set-up doesn’t even use the word “cat’. Rather, it’s the synonym “feline”. Why use such a fancy word? The answer is simply because the punch line is a pun using the word “cat”. But I may be getting ahead of myself. Back in the set-up we learned that the feline in question was given some sort of elixir or libation, perhaps because she was ill. An “elixir” is a magical drink or potion. Usually it has to do with curing a physical ailment or disease. It may also be called a “tonic”. But in this case it’s just a euphemism for booze, or alcohol. So the poor kitty, having drunk her fill is now stoned out of her mind. She’s catatonic, suffering from catatonia, a condition of being unable to move or respond to any stimulus. This cat is cat-atonic, from the tonic. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
This joke came from Owen McMahon, a.k.a. Irish Limbo
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IT’S A FREEBIE!
Thursday, Sept 4, 2014, at 4:00 pm Eastern Daylight Time
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Following the death of Quasimodo, the bishop of the Church of Notre Dame put out the word that they needed a new bellringer. No one applied except a man with no arms. The Bishop declared, “But my Son, you have no arms! How can you ring the bells?” “No matter” replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, was stunned, and rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one person asked “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name, “BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL.”
The following day, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach said, “Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother.” The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs. “What happened? Who is this man? ” they cried. “I don’t know his name” exclaimed the Bishop, but HE’S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.”
What’s so funny about this? With these long jokes, I don’t have time to explain everything. But you do need to know three things. First of all, Quasimodo is the main character in the famous French novel by Victor Hugo, entitled, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He was not a football player. This is a very large church, or cathedral in Paris. Quasimodo’s job was to ring the bells to alert people to come to pray. The next thing you need to know is that the expression “rings a bell” means that something is familiar. In this case, of course, the joke is that his face did literally ring a bell. Finally the expression, “dead ringer” means an exact duplicate. In this joke the second guy not only looked just like his armless brother, but he too died, making him a dead ringer. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
Listen to my audioboo - https://audioboo.fm/boos/2426123-twofer
No argument here
What’s so funny about this? Cow jokes have definitely become more popular in recent years. There are a number of television commercials which use them. The two cows are chatting away just like two women gossiping. Of course the actresses they use have great voices and are very convincing. In the case of this joke, if you’re reading it, you’ll have to provide the voices yourself, mentally. If you’re listening to it, then I apologize for the voices I used. Anyway the interesting topic here is a common one. Daisy tells Dolly she is pregnant. She doesn’t actually use that word. What she says is that she’s been “artificially inseminated.” This is how some women and apparently some cows, get pregnant. In the case of a woman, there are no men involved. The woman goes to a clinic which gets male semen containing sperm from a sperm bank. The sperm cells are then injected into the woman and they do their job of fertilizing an egg in her ovary. With the cows, it’s the same story, only no human males are involved; instead the sperm comes from a bull. So where’s the joke? Well, Dolly has told Daisy she doesn’t believe her. This is the same as calling her a liar. But Daisy insists she’s not lying. Another word for a lie, or falsehood, is “bullshit” or “bull” for short. That’s why when Daisy says it’s not bull, she’s telling a double truth. She’s not lying (no bull) and she got pregnant with no bull too. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
This joke was sent to me by Bob Wiener
Listen to my audioboo: https://audioboo.fm/boos/2419698-holy-cow
CAN YOU GUESS THIS IDIOMATIC EXPRESSION?
“I say, your outfit is perfect. Shall we start the game?”
SUITS YOU TO A T
Origin: Late 17th Century, British English - There are several expression such as this one which use “to a T”, however no one can agree as to the exact meaning of “T” in this context. There isn’t even agreement on the spelling of “t”. Most people think it’s short for “tee” as in golf or curling, or “tea” as in the beverage. But none of the early usages of the phrase refer to either the sport of the beverage. Other theories think it’s the letter T itself. One idea is that it’s like a close fitting T-shirt, but these weren’t around in the 17 century. Another candidate is a T-square, the measuring instrument, but this too doesn’t appear in any early context usages. Finally there is the word “tittle”, which is a tiny written or printed stroke or dot as in the dot on the lower case letter “I”. There are examples of the phrase “to a tittle” going back 100 years earlier. So it’s possible that the “T” in “suits you to a T” was originally “suits you to a tittle.”
Usage: Informal, spoken and, general, American and British English
Idiomatic Meaning: A perfect or exact fit.
Literal Meaning: Depending on the spelling of “t”, it could mean “dresses to tee off in a game of golf, or perfectly dressed to have some tea, or perfectly dressed to receive the letter “T.”
Why is this funny? In the illustration we see two men dressed in what was once considered the perfect attire or clothing to play the game of golf. One man complements the other by saying, “I say, your outfit is perfect. Shall we start the game?” In their hands we see golf clubs so we can assume that is the game they are ready to play. The guy’s clothing fits perfectly, it “suits him to a T”; at the same time he’s suited to play golf which will require a tee, making him also “suited to a tee.”
Sample sentence: I just found a job for which I’m totally qualified; it “suits me to a T.”
OVER MY DEAD BODY
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE BODY OF A DEAD MAGICIAN?
What’s so funny about this? Death is only funny when it’s not you or someone close to you. Otherwise it’s tragic. American culture is obsessed with it. Just look at all the crime TV shows, movies, novels, etc all going on about murders. And then there’s the whole zombie craze. Talk about a national death wish. BTW it was Freud who talked about certain people obsessed with death and murder, having a death wish. I guess it’s so scary that it’s a relief to read, see or hear about someone else dying. At least it’s not you. Anyway, in the joke the dead person is a magician. We’re not concerned with the name of the dead magician, just the proper word to call his dead body. The two most common words for dead bodies are: “corpse” and “cadaver”. The former is a general term while the latter, “cadaver” is more commonly used in a medical context when the dead body is used for research purposes rather than buried in the ground or cremated. But there is a pun here, after all. “Abracadabra” is kind of a magic spell that magicians utter when performing an act of magic. It’s as if the words themselves make the magic happen. For example the magician might place a rabbit into a hat, wave a magic wand over the hat and say “abracadabra” and suddenly a bunch of pigeons might fly out of the hat with no trace of the rabbit. The audience is supposed to think that the words made the magic happen. But in the case of the dead magician we have not abracadabra, but “abracadaver”. Sadly no magic words are going to bring this “stiff” or corpse, back to life. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
This joke was inspired by monthlyduck on reddit.com
Listen to my audioboohttps://audioboo.fm/boos/2413843-over-my-dead-body