Doug Larson (via victoriousvocabulary)
Btw, LACKADAISICAL means ‘showing no interest or enthusiasm’.
PERKS OF REACHING 50, OR BEING OVER 60
AND HEADING TOWARDS 70 OR BEYOND!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run — anywhere.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You can’t remember who sent you this list.
HEY YOU, GET OFF OF MY CLOUD
What’s the difference between giving a canine nourishment and passing on ownership of a mist to your relatives?
FEED A DOG / DEED A FOG
What’s so funny about this? As I was writing this spoonerism, it occurred to me that had I used “hog” instead of “dog” it would probably be a better spoonerism. Then it would be “feed a hog/heed a fog”. To heed something means to be aware of it or to obey it. A fog can be quite dangerous, especially if you’re driving on a dark country road at night and a fog comes rolling in. You can hardly see and it’s real easy to get into an accident. That’s why, if it’s too thick and your visibility is too low then it’s best to pay attention to the fog, or to heed it. But would you, could you, ever “deed” a fog? Is deed even a verb? It’s much more commonly used as a noun, meaning a legal document proving ownership. But the nature of English is that any noun can be made into a verb by context and position in a sentence. To deed something means to pass ownership to someone. But can you actually own fog? It is, after all, only a cloud that’s come down to earth; it’s only water vapor. I suppose the argument here is that if I own the land and a cloud descends onto it, it’s my cloud. Kind of a weak argument, I’d say. Nevertheless, the photo accompanying this audioboo clearly shows a dog and a fog. So for the sake of spoonerization, if I feed a dog, then I’ve got to deed a fog. If you don’t like it, sue me. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
Listen to my audioboo: https://audioboo.fm/boos/1788983-hey-you-get-off-of-my-cloud
Listen to what the Stones have to say about this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtqTS0nKo2A
LAST WEEK I HELPED MY FRIEND STAY PUT. IT’S A LOT EASIER’N HELPIN’ ‘EM MOVE. I JUST WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND MADE SURE THAT HE DID NOT START TO LOAD SHIT INTO A TRUCK – MITCH HEDBERG
What’s so funny about this? This joke actually makes a lot of sense. When you think about it, young people are always moving around, changing apartments, changing friends, changing lovers, or running away from landlords. It’s what you do when you’re young. In college I changed my residence every year. Afterwards I had no less then 10 different apartments. Even after I got married we moved a bunch of times until we finally settled into where we have now lived for more than 25 years. It was the same with my kids. As they got older they were constantly moving around too. In fact I always drove a minivan because I knew I’d have to help one or both of them move, even though they always managed to get friends to help them. Young people don’t use moving companies. They rent a truck and call their friends to help them schlep, or move, the furniture. If you have a lot of friends and a strong back, you can bet that they will keep calling you to help them move. That’s why I like what the guy in this joke did. He just got tired of always schleping friend’s furniture so he decided to help one of them stay put, which means to NOT move out. He did this by going to the friend’s house and preventing the friend from loading stuff into a moving van. Smart move. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
WHEN THE SPIRIT MOVES YOU
“What do you call astral projection to church?”
“I give up”
What’s so funny about this? I knew I wasn’t going to find a photo or visual to exactly depict what this joke is about. It’s too specific and astral projection has never been photographed anyway. So I had to settle for a large church service to kind of convey the idea. Just what is astral projection? Well, first of all you kind of have to accept some weird premises. The first is that there are several planes or levels of existence. The one and only one we all agree on is the “physical” plane, that is, the everyday world of the senses. I’m not sure I can name all seven planes, but I know there is the mental plane which consists of all our thoughts. The astral plane is higher than that. There’s a spiritual plane too somewhere and finally the 7th plane his God, him or herself. Anyway, by using certain meditation techniques it’s supposed to be possible to enter the astral plane. Not only is it possible to leave your body and enter the astral plane, but you can also travel around at the speed of thought to see things and people and visions all of whom exist on the astral plane. This also enables you to kind of spy on people in different parts of the world, and possibly to collectively travel to church. What the joke suggests is that if there were a whole large group of people and all of them could astral travel together, say, to church, then this would be a form of “mass tranceportation”. There are two puns at work here. The first is “mass” which means both a Catholic Church service as well public means of transport (for the masses). The second pun is a new spelling. Instead of transportation, t-r-a-n-s-p-o-r-t-a-t-i-o-n, it’s spelled t-r-a-n-c-e-p-o-r-t-a-t-i-o-n. This kind of trance is what meditation can look like. You just kind of sit there, without moving, staring off into space. Of course this also describes what many teenagers look like. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
This joke was submitted to punoftheday.com by Kap’n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
Listen to my audioboo: https://audioboo.fm/boos/1783883-when-the-spirit-moves-you
CAN YOU GUESS THE EXPRESSION?
Click a button on the right to:
Guess the idiom
Get a hint
Get a choice of idioms/meaning
Get complete information
Get the answer
BIRD IN HAND
“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?”
“I have no idea.”
“Because it has a silent pee.”
What’s so funny about this? This is a silly joke, mostly suitable for fourth or fifth grade, when they are learning about dinosaurs. As in so many other sciences, Dinosaur names come from Greek and Latin. The word dinosaur itself is from Greek and it means “terrible lizard”. Lots of kids are fascinated by dinosaurs, probably because of the animals’ size and sharp teeth. Even though we only have bones, scientists and artists have been able to reconstruct what these things actually looked like. The popularity of the three Jurassic Park movies is a testament to the hold that the dinosaur mystique has over us. In fact, Toronto has a professional basketball team called the Raptors, named for a smart and deadly dinosaur. The Pterodactyl was and is particularly fascinating because it had wings and flew. It was an early ancestor to the birds of today. In fact, scientists speculate that many dinosaurs eventually evolved into birds., while the rest died off. The word Pterodactyl also comes from Greek and means “winged finger” because its wings were supported by its arms and the fourth finger of each hand. You’ll notice that this word begins with the letter P. However, it’s not pronounced, so it sounds like it starts with a T. The P is silent. And that’s where the joke comes from. Pee, spelled p-e-e, is kid’s slang for urine. That’s why we can’t hear it in the bathroom. But I have a feeling if there ever were a real Pterodactyl in your bathroom you would definitely know is was there. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
Listen to my audioboo: https://audioboo.fm/boos/1782548-bird-in-hand