FLU THE COOP
What’s so funny about this? In keeping with the ongoing virus hysteria fueled and fanned by radio and cable news, I thought I’d provide some more helpful information about how to treat certain types of flu which have reached epidemic proportions in the past and scared the crap out of people. Bird flu comes mostly from chickens. It’s a serious, sometimes fatal virus spawned by the disgusting conditions under which chickens are kept in many parts of the world, especially China. The best thing to do if you get this disease is to get is tweeted right away, or as the joke says, to get a tweetment. This of course is a pun based on the word “treatment”, meaning to undergo a procedure to cure an illness. “Tweet” is a sound that a bird makes. It has nothing whatsoever to do with Twitter and its messages, also known as tweets. Of course if you want to tweet about your tweetment, be my guest. The second type of flu under discussion is swine flu. This is a kind of influenza, the long form of the shortened word, “flu”. Swine flu generally affects pigs, not humans. However, there is a virus related to the swine flu virus that affects humans and is transmitted among them. If you happen to get this disease then you will need to get some oinkment for it. This is a pun based on the word “ointment”, which is a medical cream usually applied to different parts of the skin. The word “oink” is supposed to be the sound that pigs and swine make. If you’re unlucky enough to get both of these diseases at the same time, then make sure you stay away from pork chops and and finger licken’ chicken. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
PODCAST - https://audioboom.com/boos/2578937-flu-the-coop
CAN YOU GUESS THIS IDIOMATIC EXPRESSION?
What’s so funny about this? This is not a great time to be making jokes about viruses, with Ebola wreaking havoc in Africa and causing panic in Europe and the US. But sometimes humor is all we have left to make us feel a little better. This spoonerism uses a classic formula to present the joke. That formula is to ask “what’s the difference between…?” This question immediately forces a comparison of the two items and gets your mind set up for the joke which you’re not going to see coming. The two items being compared have to be severely unrelated so that finding any kind of connection is really difficult. Here we are asked to compare and differentiate a photocopier with a virus, or flu bug, as some people call it. How do you even begin? One is an old school copying device and the other a serious disease. You might think that you can catch the flu by using the photocopier, but you’re nowhere close. The difference is in the sounds and spelling of the word “facsimile”, which is a noun meaning “copy”. So a photo copying machine makes copies. Well, duh. I guess we all know that. Here’s where the fun begins. Normally a spoonerism is made by switching the initial letter or sound, but in this case it’s the entire first syllable. First we have to break “facsimiles” into its four component syllables, FAC-SI-MIL-LIES. Next we spoonerize only the first two syllables. The result is two words, “SICK” “FAMILIES.” Remember we’re going more by sound here. Families with small children are especially prone to viral diseases the kids pick up in school from other kids. Remember kids are usually pretty dirty, which is one reason they pass on diseases so quickly and easily. You should feel proud, now you understand the joke. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
PODCAST - https://audioboom.com/boos/2575931-gone-viral
What’s so funny about this? So is this a dirty joke or not? Well, it’s kind of a dirty subject. After all a dirty, or soiled, diaper certainly qualifies as “dirty”. If you’ve ever had to wash diapers by hand, you easily understand the popularity and attractiveness of disposable diapers, like Pampers and other brands. True they are bad for the environment because they don’t degrade for 10,000 years or more, but I’m 100% in favor of them. This we because we spent a half a year in Algeria (teaching English) while our son was a year old and was not yet potty trained. We had plenty of cloth diapers but we never had enough hot water. It was rationed and the hot water heater only worked at certain hours during the day, and NEVER when we needed to wash diapers. Trust me, NOTHING is grosser than washing dirty diapers by hand in cold water. Someone (I think it was God) sent us a box of hampers in the mail. The reason I think they were heaven sent is because that’s where we were until the box was all used up. It was fun while it lasted. The joke asks a simple question: Why shouldn’t you put a baby’s dirty diapers in the laundry bin? The answer contains two wonderful puns. Another name for a “laundry bin”, is “hamper”. But “hamper” has another meaning as a verb, namely, to impede, or block or prevent. That’s pun #1. Pun #2 has to do with the baby’s “movements”, or mobility. This word could mean the way the baby moved, squirmed, but it can also be a shorter way to talk about the baby’s bowel movements, the very stuff that makes the diapers dirty. So if you stick the diapers in the hamper you may well be hampering the baby’s doo-doo. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
This joke came from the book Pun Enchanted Evening, by David R Yale
PODCAST - https://audioboom.com/boos/2574554-tidy-didies
BITING OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW
Origin: Mid to late 19th Century, American English - In the literal sense, this expression probably goes back to the first cave dwellers when some mother warned her child not to put too much food into her or his mouth at one time. But the metaphoric sense is relatively a lot more recent - a mere 150 years ago or so, in a book written about the “Wild West.” The specific reference was to chewing tobacco. The tobacco came in a solid block and most people bit off some and started chewing or “chawing” as they used to say. In fact “chaw” is also a noun meaning chewing tobacco.
Usage: Informal, spoken and written, general, British and American English
Idiomatic Meaning: Trying to do more than one is capable of doing. Working in measured amounts
Literal Meaning: Eating carefully to avoid indigestion and being impolite
Why is this funny? In the animated gif, we see a chipmunk stuffing an acorn into its mouth without chewing or swallowing. In fact chipmunks can, amazingly, stuff four to six acorns into their mouths at one time. Their cheeks are extra flexible. But they can’t chew them all at once. They use their cheeks as pockets to carry the acorns back to their burrows where they pop them out and store them to eventually chew them more reasonably. In appearance, they clearly are putting more food into their mouths than they could possibly chew. So they are definitely “biting off more than they can chew.”
Sample sentence:Honey, you can’t be going out with more than five guys at the same time; “don’t bite off more than you can chew”.
more idioms at
HUNG OUT TO DRY
What’s so funny about this? Let’s face it. We all love to hate puns. Remember, you’re not really supposed to laugh at a pun. The appropriate response is a groan, the louder and longer, the better. Some people seem born to pun. They can’t help themselves. Every word, every sentence, every phrase, every idiom is an open invitation for a pun. I suppose it can get annoying to some people, especially those lacking any real sense of humor. That seems to be what happened to our friend, Peter the Pirate.. I guess it’s understandable, spending months at sea listening to someone go on and on, making terrible puns and nowhere to go to escape them. But as we see, his men have finally offered Peter an ultimatum: Stop punning or be hanged. Peter seems like a smart enough guy who should know when to quit. But a true punster, such as Peter, can’t resist a pun, no matter what the circumstances. True to form, even though Peter was relieved that he wouldn’t be hanged, quipped, “No noose is good noose”. It’s a great pun on the expression, “No news is good news,” meaning that sometimes it’s better to not hear any news if you are only expecting to hear bad news. In Peter’s case, he was referring to the rope which could go around his neck. This hanging rope is called a “noose.” Perhaps Peter just had a speech impediment and couldn’t distinguish between noose and news. By the way note that the present participle of hang when referring to the method of execution is “hanged” rather than “hung”, which is reserved for inanimate objects such as Christmas decorations or laundry. Still Peter is now flapping in the breeze. And THAT’s what’s so funny!
PODCAST - https://audioboom.com/boos/2568974-hung-out-to-dry
Benny Shapiro worked at a Museum. His job was to keep the exhibits clean. One day was dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient, dirty urn. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared. “Master,” the Genie began, “I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever.” Benny thought about it, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for a gigantic mansion which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for the fanciest sport car ever built, and it was his. Over the years, Benny’s beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie’s warning faded. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped inside the urn, forced to stay there forever.
The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
What’s so funny about this? As you’ve heard, this joke is quite a bit longer than the cartoon accompanying it. That’s because it’s much easier to tell a story than to illustrate it. I tried to capture the essence of the joke in the toon but decided to let you hear the whole thing. With shaggy dog stories, there’s no limit as to how long the joke could be. In fact the whole idea is to tell a pointless story just to get to the stupid punch line. In the joke, the punch line is a pun on Benjamin Franklin’s old saying, “A Penny saved is a penny earned.” It’s an admonition, a suggestion, to save your money. The word Penny, beginning with the letter P is easy to confuse and therefor pun with the word “Benny”. That’s because P & B are very close. In fact, some languages, such as Egyptian Arabic, make no distinction between the two. The second pun is a homophone of the word earned, e-a-r-n-e-d. The other “urned” is spelled u-r-n-e-d. It not really a verb, but In English anything can become a verb simply by adding a verbal ending or suffix to it. The sense of “urned” is to be put inside an urn. So Benny got his reward after all and has to spend eternity inside the urn. That’s life and that’s also what’s so funny!
podcast - https://audioboom.com/boos/2566604-aqua-velva-man
What’s so funny about this? I almost never do an audioboom about someone else’s cartoon. Occasionally, I’ll use others’ photos, but cartoons usually have dialogue and while they may be clever, are too much bother to explain. This one is the exception. I think it’s just brilliant and more than worth explaining. One reason for this, as will become clear later on, is I live next to the great state of New Jersey and have spent a LOT of time there. In the cartoon we see a bull sitting at a bar talking to a couple of sheep. They are somewhat cute and he is obviously interested in picking them up. I don’t mean that he wants to exercise his muscles. “Pick up,” in this sense means engaging them socially and hopefully, eventually, sexually. Human males and females often carry out this kind of ritual at clubs and bars that cater to this crowd or group of people. These venues are called “singles bars”; men and women go there specifically to pick up and be picked up. There are also gay bars where the same thing happens among those of the same sex. The bar in the joke is in the northern part of the state of New Jersey, which happens to have a local accent all its own. It’s common to hear people say “youse” , y-o-u-s-e, when they want to say the second person plural pronoun which is “you”. It’s the same in the singular form. In the southern parts of the US people will say “you all” or “y’all” for the same purpose. The word “youse” almost makes sense. If the singular is “you”, then logically it could take a plural ending of “s”. However, the bull was actually talking to female sheep. The singular word for one is “ewe”, spelled e-w-e. The bull used the plural form which is “ewes” e-w-e-s. I’d say the bull was very use-r friendly, wouldn’t you? And THAT’s what’s so funny.
This joke came from Bizarro Comics, drawn by Dan Piraro with Andy Cowan
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST / AUDIOBOOM https://audioboom.com/boos/2562510-jersey-cow