HOT FLASH DRIVE

THE EXHIBITIONIST RAN TO THE STORE BECAUSE HE HEARD THEY WERE HAVING A FLASH SALE

What’s so funny about this? So, exactly what is an exhibitionist? Two definitions come to mind. The first is a person who likes to exhibit him or herself. “Exhibit” in this case means to show, display, or to show off. It’s someone who likes to be seen by many people. The word does not necessarily have a sexual connotation, but it usually does. Another name for an exhibitionist is a “show-off”. This is the person who’s always trying to get attention for himself or herself. Someone who likes the spotlight; who wants to be on stage; who wants to be in the movies and have their picture plastered all over the internet. At the sexual level, an exhibitionist is a person who wants people to see the body parts that we normally cover up and don’t allow others to see. However, another perfectly reasonable definition could be someone who likes to produce, stage, or put on exhibitions of say, art. Another name for this kind of exhibitionist is “curator”. You will find them at museums and art galleries, which is where they have art exhibits. Of course these can be sexual in nature too. But why, in the joke, did the exhibitionist run to the store? Well, he heard about a “flash sale”. A normal sale in a store is when the store offers discounts on certain products in the store. The sale might last a week or a week-end, something like that. But a “flash sale” is a limited time sale with a really good discount.  It’s designed to get people excited and come to the store right away. The sale might only last for a couple of hours. But “flashing” is also a slang term for revealing one of those body parts related to sex. A person who does this is called a flasher. It can even be a completely nude man or woman who runs across the field at a sporting event. A flasher is typically shown as a dirty old man dressed in a rain coat which he opens at the appropriate moment to reveal what’s underneath, which is usually nothing. So our exhibitionist friend got excited because the sale might be a chance to meet some fellow flashers. Or maybe he just needed a good flash light, or a new version of Adobe.  And THAT’s what’s so funny!

This joke was submitted to punoftheday.com by Adele from Bohemia, NY

Listen to the podcast: http://audioboo.fm/boos/1410413-hot-flash-drive

BEER HERE

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE FRANKFURTER SALESMAN WHO GOT DRUNK AT A BASEBALL GAME? HE WENT ON A HOT DOG BENDER.

What’s so funny about this?  The Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle is a great source of puns. The daily puzzles aren’t bad either, but Sundays seem to bring out the best (or the worst, depending on how you feel about puns) of the puzzle makers. I debated whether or not to do this one because it is so culturally loaded with concepts that only American native English speakers would know. And then, even if they get it, chances are that they won’t laugh because puns evoke groans rather than laughs. Nevertheless, I’m going to forge ahead because that’s what most of you are doing here, trying to understand the basis for American English jokes and puns. In the set-up I needed to paraphrase a “hot dog vendor.” These are the men and women you find at baseball games and other sporting events held in large stadiums (or stadia if you want the Latin plural) They walk up and down the aisles, yelling “Hey hot dogs, hot dogs here, get your hot dogs.” So a couple of synonyms for hot dogs are “frankfurter” and “wiener.” Both of these words reflect the Germanic origin of the “all-American” sausage. However “wiener” has too many other connotations these days, so I went with “frankfurter.” A “vendor” is a salesperson, usually of something small that they can hand you, like a hot dog or a beer. Moving on, these vendors are as human as the rest of us and like a drink or two, now and then. In the case of the joke, the vendor had a whole lot to drink and got roaring drunk. This kind of heavy drinking and getting drunk is known as “going on a bender”, which works very nicely as a pun for vendor. So a hot dog bender could even be someone who got drunk on too many hot dogs.  Maybe they were laced with vodka? And THAT’s what’s so funny!

This joke was inspired by the Sunday, May 19, 2013 New York Times crossword puzzle by Jean O’Connor

Listen to the podcast: http://audioboo.fm/boos/1401972-beer-here

GO GRANNY GO

A group of seniors were sitting around comparing ailments. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my nose,” said one man. “I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis is my neck,” said another. “I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said a third. “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said a woman, “But thank God we can still drive.”

What’s so funny about this? My mother never learned to drive until she was in her 50’s. She was never a great driver, but I was too young to realize that. She was one of those drivers that preferred to err on the side of caution. As a result we always went REALLY slow, with virtually every car on the road passing us. I’m amazed she never got a ticket for going 20 miles UNDER the speed limit! As I became a teen-ager, it drove me crazy of course and I always drove when we needed to go someplace together.  Amazingly, she was never in an accident though it’s impossible to say how many she caused for all those drivers who sped up to pass her.  She drove for another 40 years until she was about 95, when she finally gave it up. I remember she was very depressed about it for more than a year. It had been her last bit of freedom and afterward she felt trapped at home having to rely on friends to take her around. She was never as bad as the seniors in this joke, thankfully. She wore glasses but she didn’t have cataracts, which is when the eye gets cloudy limiting your vision. She had practiced yoga, and didn’t have much arthritis,   the disease of the joints, so she could turn here head in all directions. She may have been a little crazy in the head, but she never had Alzheimer’s or dementia, so she always knew where she was and why. Can you guess in what sate she lived? Florida, of course, which is no doubt where the seniors in this joke lived. And THAT’s what’s so funny, unless you’re sitting in a car stuck behind one of these drivers.   

This joke appeared in the “Planet Procter” column in the 4/12 issue of Funny Times

Listen to the podcast: http://audioboo.fm/boos/1408027-go-granny-go

Check out the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MhiHZvq8zc

HOT TO TROT

FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE INDIAN FOOD, THAT POLITICIAN SURE IS GOOD AT CURRYING FAVORS.

What’s so funny about this?  This is kind of an obvious pun, but I wanted to do it anyway because of the fascinating origin of the expression “curry favor”. But first let’s look at “curry”. As a noun it has a variety of food related meanings. It can be a mixture of spices in powder form; it can be a sauce; or it can be the actually dish itself including spices sauce, meat, vegetable, etc. You can have a chicken curry a, lamb curry, even a spinach curry. Curries are usually associated with India but many other Asian countries have them too. As a verb, however, curry has an entirely different meaning. It means to clean a coat of a horse, or to tan leather. Can’t get much different from that, and that’s because these are really homophones with the same spelling, that originate from very different words. One comes from Dravidian, an Indian language, and the other from French. The idiom “to curry favor” means to be nice to someone in order for them to do something nice for you. Kind of like “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. It is similar to “apple polishing” or “ass kissing,” and we know politicians are great at that. But the idiom comes from a mispronunciation of Favel who was a talking horse in a 13^th century French morality tale. Favel managed to deceive and corrupt the aristocracy and clergy of the time. They, in turn, thought that by being extra nice to Favel, by rubbing and cleaning (or currying) his coat, he would help them get rich and powerful. So the original expression was to “curry favel’ which eventually was mispronounced and became “curry favor”. And THAT’s not rip-roaringly funny, but it should bring a smile to your face.

.

This joke was submitted to Punoftheday.com by Wordsworth, from California

Listen to the podcast at: http://audioboo.fm/boos/1403716-hot-to-trot?playlist_direction=reversed

ALL DAY SUCKER

IF YOU CAN’T SPOT THE SUCKER AT THE POKER TABLE, IT’S PROBABLY YOU

What’s so funny about this? This saying has probably been around as long as the game of poker which itself is at least 200 years old. Nevertheless, it has a certain freshness about it, at least to my ears, since I haven’t heard the expression in a long time. It’s not that difficult to understand. The key word in the expression is the word “sucker”. This word has many meanings, not all of them clean. The verb form is “suck” which goes back to Anglo-Saxon and Olde English and back even further to Old German Dutch and Norse. It’s one of those really basic rootsy kinds of words. Though its sexual meaning only goes back about 100 years, the noun form, “sucker,” goes back to the14^th century, only then it referred to a young mammal before it stopped sucking it mother’s teat. In slang usage it goes back to the mid 1800’s, meaning someone who is easily fooled or deceived. The word was made famous by P.T. Barnum the circus guy, who said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Mostly it’s about easily taking someone’s money away from them. There is a fish by the same name that’s very easy to catch and some people thing that’s where the slang expression, sucker, came from. Poker is not as easy as it looks and there’s always some guy who thinks he’s smarter or luckier than the other people at the table, which is where poker is played, in case you didn’t know. This joke is actually a good warning not to be over confident. Even if there are no cheaters at particular poker game, chances are decent that there will be someone at least as smart and as lucky as you. The advice is to not go to a game trying to find the one guy whose money you’re going to win. If you do and you don’t see him, guess what, they’ve been waiting for you. BTW, this joke is true even away from the poker table. And THAT’s what’s so funny!

http://audioboo.fm/boos/1405854-all-day-sucker

CAN YOU GUESS THE EXPRESSION?

Click a button on the right to

• Guess the answer
• Get a hint
• Get a choice
• Get complete information
• Get the answer

THROW IN THE TOWEL

Origin: This expression originated in the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries. I comes from professional or semi-professional organized boxing. Matches or bouts were fought on a square area (originally round) known as a “boxing ring.” Each boxer had a support staff in one corner. This staff consisted of the manager, and trainer and maybe one other helper. In between rounds, the period of time when the boxers fought, the boxer would go to his corner sit and relax for about a minute. Naturally he’d be hot and sweaty. The trainer would wipe him down with a wet towel to cool and then dry him off. Before the towel, they used to use a sponge. The match would go on for a number of rounds, say 10 or 12 and the boxers would try to knock each other out. If that didn’t happen but one boxer was being beaten up too badly, he or his manager would decide to give up. This was indicated by the manager throwing the towel into the center of the ring. The expression first appeared in print around 1913. Within three years it had become a metaphor for resigning from anything.

Usage:  Informal, spoken, general American English. Frequently used in sporting or business or gambling situations

Idiomatic Meaning:  To quit, give up or resign

Literal Meaning: To toss or throw a towel onto the floor or ground. The towel could be cloth or as in the illustration it can even be a roll of paper towels

Why is this funny?  In the cartoon we see that the cowboy is fed up. Apparently his job was to wipe off the woman in the tub, using paper towels, which are not particularly great for drying off after a bath because you have to use too much of the roll. So the cowboy is throwing in the towel by  walking away, and throwing in the towel. Note that the left side of the picture is black and white while the cowboy’s side is in color. This is also a good-bye message from our cartoonist who is telling us that he’s thrown in the towel, by not finishing the illustration with color. He will be leaving Rolls off the Tongue and we wish him well.

Sample sentence:  I’m fed up trying to cook for this family with no help from anyone; find another cook, I’m throwing in the towel.

Hint: Resign

IT’S IN THE BAG

Origin: This expression comes from American baseball. It dates back to the early 20^th century, specifically to the old New York Giants (later the San Francisco Giants, since the 1950’s). In 1916, the Giants won 26 games in a row. This is a very difficult thing to do and baseball players are naturally superstitious. As they were winning games they wanted to “ensure” that the streak would continue. At the start of every game a large bag full of the baseballs to be used for the game is brought out onto the playing field. If a ball is hit into the seats as a foul, or out of the park as a home run, or if it just gets too dirty, it will be replaced by a new ball. Every game begins with 72 balls.  During their winning streak, the Giants somehow came to believe that if they were ahead in the ninth (last) inning, and someone carried the bag off the field, the Giants would win the game. So if a game is “in the bag” then it’s “certain” the Giants will win. Eventually the expression came to mean anything that you’re very positive about.

Usage:  Informal, spoken, general American English. Frequently used in sporting or business or gambling situations when you are predicting a result.

Idiomatic Meaning:  A sure thing; a virtual certainty

Literal Meaning: A bag is a soft container usually made of cloth, or paper or plastic. If there is an object in it, then it’s “in the bag.”

Why is this funny?  In the cartoon, we see some guys inside large bags, or sacks. This event is called a “Sack Race”. The participants get into the bags and have to jump a certain distance to a finish line. The one who arrives first is the winner. This is a popular activity at large picnics and fairs. In this particular race the audience is betting money on who the winner will be. One person tell the other that racer #5 is sure to win because he had Mexican jumping beans for lunch, and these will assist in his jumping ability. So “it’s in the bag” that the racer who is “in the bag” (#5) will win the race.

Sample sentence: My cousin just started dating the boss’s daughter. You know his promotion is “in the bag.”

BENT OUT OF SHAPE

Origin: This expression has afairly recent origin. 2^nd half of the 20^th century. Similar to “nose out of joint”, “knickers in a twist” (British), “balls in an uproar” To be “in shape”, that is physically fit goes back to the 1700’s. There is speculation that this expression might be related to a condition known as “the bends”, which is what happens when deep sea divers surface too quickly. Too much nitrogen in the blood causes extreme pain and physical deformity. Others think it’s related to the expression “get bent”. But in my opinion it is akin to the expressions mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph, all of which describe emotional states of excitement or being upset.

Usage:  Informal, spoken, general American English. Frequently told to someone as a negative command, i.e. “don’t get bent out of shape”

Idiomatic Meaning:  To be extremely excited, angry, upset and/or disturbed

Literal Meaning: To be severely physically distorted, as you can see from the picture

Why is this funny?  One look at the photo and it’s easy to see that this guy is totally bent out of shape mentally and emotionally, probably because he’s so bent out of shape physically.

Sample sentence:  When I told him it was over and I was leaving, he got completely bent out of shape

Hint: Very angry

Click a button on the right to

• Guess the answer
• Get a hint
• Get a choice
• Get complete information
• Get the answer

PIE IN THE SKY

Origin: This expression came from Joe Hill, an American labor organizer, from a song he wrote in 1911, called The Preacher and the Slave. Hill didn’t like some churches which preached salvation in the afterlife and weren’t concerned with feeding hungry people and workers who hardly made any money and worked in dangerous and miserable conditions. The chorus in which the line appears is:

You will eat bye and bye,                                                                                                   In that glorious land in the sky,                                                                                     Work and pray, live on hay,                                                                                         You’ll get pie in the sky when you die

Joe was being sarcastic and mockingly meant that even if we’re hungry here on earth, when we die and (if) we go to heaven (the sky) we’ll have plenty of our favorite foods, such as pie. As an expression all by itself, pie in the sky didn’t come into popular usage until the 40’s, when it was used in an editorial by a California newspaper. The reference was still to “eat pie in the sky”, but eventually “eat” was dropped and pie in the sky came to refer to any unobtainable goal.

Usage:  Informal, spoken and written, general, American English

Idiomatic Meaning:  Any concept or tangible item that someone wants and it’s not really possible that the person’s wish will come true

Literal Meaning: In the case of this idiom, it depends whether you are spelling P-I-E or P-I. The original idiom has the first spelling, pie being a fruit filled pastry that is in the sky, somehow. If it’s spelled the second way, it’s the Greek letter that is used to represent part of the geometric formula for measuring circles. It stands for an infinite number beginning 3.14159 etc. This formula has to be in the sky, somehow

Why is this funny?  The cartoon solves the problem of how PI got into the sky. It’s a cloud formation. Note that the little guy doesn’t recognize the numbers as the infinite number. Rather, he thinks that 3.14 represents his birth date, March 14. He’s convinced that it’s a sign or an omen guaranteeing him success and good fortune. His female friend tells him he’s dreaming and should be more realistic. She knows it’s not real, and that the PI in the sky is just pie in the sky!

Sample sentence:  I wish my wife would stop imagining she’ll get the directorship in Paris. It’s just pie in the sky.